OUT OF HAND.

He knows that I'm miserable.
He wants me to change.
I didn't want to.
I'm losing him.
He lost me back then.
He gained me back.
I lost him.

This will forever be a cycle.
It tells me one thing.
That I shall go with whatever happens.
I'm fucking up my life
Might as well fuck it hard.

I'm not stopping.
I just finished a serious state.
I made up my mind.
I am gonna deal with this.

SO TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME

Tell me what to do. I am such a mess (Well it is awesome, but then I know I'm going to feel like shit pretty soon)

You know why I stick to this kind of life? I am not really some sort of a toy, people can't play with my feelings. But I just know this one thing. I know that I would never ever poach my heart with this kind of life cause there's nothing to poach.

1. klgvmdglkvdmvkd. Can't get over the fact that he still gives me the same giddy vibes I used to have 2 years ago.

2. voice.

3. and more but I'm not really supposed to jot it down

On the other it's just funny cause I know that I know him that much.

I am a mess, completely aware. Well everyone is. Cause it's just how we live.

Blablablabalbalala what am i supposed to do then. Blablabla.

BONEOUT GETAWAY.

March 11- 12, 2011.

Hi baby. Finally, we got to bond!

I actually don't know why but I find peace in this picture. It's full of angst. This is lovely.

PS: I'm smiling back theree, oh. :">

Is this like a finally basis? After how many months, we got ourselves to talk like we did before. Not like like, but as before beforeee.

And ohmygod, I missed Annika. I surely did. :">

El presidente. You na!

This picture is so wrong. But I find it lovely. We're like Mongolians. And I can see my boxers!!

///

Well actually this night looked different in here.

We all went home around 4AM, because we were brought to a precinct in Sucat. Lost plate, beating the red light, illegal car racing and whatever name it. We all went home without a bill. Haha. It was actually an experience though. It was a lovely night with some lovely people.

Me and Annika got to share our thoughts about this girl who keeps her eyebrow proud whenever I'm in the scene, I couldn't be happier. Annicakes hates her, I couldn't disagree more.

Technically, after all the changing venues and chaos, this night was fun.

FINALLY

BY THEEE WAY A YEAAAAR HAS PASSED!

January 8, 2010: Yes, 365 days of bullshit= over.

AND SINCE TODAY'S THE EXACT SAME DAY THAT HE POACHED MY HEART, I, MIGHT AS WELL SPILL MY USEDTOBE DILLEMA HERE.

So there's this guy, I loved him. Well yes, more than anyone else.

He was spooling over 3 girls, at the same time. I was the second.

We were the closest, I guess.

He chose the 3rd, too bad 3rd girl didn't choose him. He was left with nothing. I was left with a broken heart. (wtf)

after 98 days, he asked for a second chance. He said he was wrong for choosing 3rd girl. But the thing is, I said this to him (well I meant it talaga) : Maybe I still love you, maybe I still have feelings for you, but the thing is, you broke my heart. As in solid. So I guess I'm taking down your favor. Then I slapped him. One for what he did to my bestfriend, and two, for what he did to me.

We were okay at the end of the day, I slept in his house, then he asked me: pwede tabi tayo? I said yes, apparently cause I made it clear na that we're friends, I even said bestfriends. While he was sleeping, he pulled and hugged me from behind. Super tight hug, I felt safe and all. Then I questioned myself, am I really putting down the second chance?

16 days after that night happened, I realized that I still want him back. But the thing is I don't know how to say it to him. We went to Zambales, we were sitting in front, he was just lying on my shoulder. I missed that, actually. We went to Bulacan the day after, me Chynna and Kat were so stressed that we decided to drink the whole bottle of tequila, without chaser. WE WENT ALL OUT. Kat cried, Chy cried because we were crying, I cried because I was so hurt but then I didn't know what to do. We talked, someone woke him up. (not a good thing to do.) it went like this:

HIM: Bakit ka umiiyak?

B: Wala. (dude with sipon falling from my nose.)

HIM: Bakit nga.

B: I love you, okay?

He didn't say anything, at all.

B: Matulog ka na nga (While kicking all of him)

He slept. On the floor. In front of me, while I was crying. The next day felt like hell. Well not only that day. Everyday.

7 days after, we went to his house. He asked me, why did you cry? I was like puta wala gusto ko lang. I just wanted to win your attention, I just wanted to drink all of that fucking tequila, I just wanted to fool you and tell you how much I love you. Wala lang. Wala lang talaga. But then of course that stayed inside my mind. I said, you know why. I don't have to repeat it to you. He said, then say it to me once more. I said, I love you, okay? Then he kissed me.

Slept there for two days, but then I thought that it was nothing more than sexual intercourse. Well yeah I had to say that, I was used. But then let it be. (I WAS STUPID.)

I was used for 75 days, I must say. I loved him too much, I just can't push him away. It took me 18 years of courage to ask him to come back to me. Well on the 76th day, I finally gathered up my courage to stop the thing, he did something really bad ass that it made my cry. And I was pushing him away, I was doing everything, but then I just can't. For 45 minutes, then he stopped.

He was like: what's your problem?

B: Nothing.

H: E bakit ka ganyan? Because of yung guy mo na bago?

B: WTF where'd you know about that?! Kasi ayoko na.

H: Ha? bakit?!

B: I just said it ayoko na.

H: E last week lang we were okay a. Anong nangyari?

B: Ayoko na nga. Wala lang yun, okay.

H: So wala lang to

B: Bakit meron ba?!

H: Oo.

Well I know him too much, he poppycocks when something's about to end when he doesn't want to.

B: What the fuck, ngayon mo lang sasabihin kung kelan you poached my heart na and all

(people you must understand that I was so hirap to speak tagalog)

H: Sigurado ka? Mamaya iiyak ka nanaman.

B: I'm assuring you, hindi na.

H: Okay pero alam mo you never said I love you to me.

B: I did, a lot of times.

H: Hindi a. once lang, nung sa Bulacan.

B: Well maybe I never really loved you since Bulacan.

Well he said something like if you're gonna stay, I am assuring you that it will be more than this.

I just said no, I was too dumb to care.

Well it did not end there, I still love him, but I bet the love ain't enough. T'was more of the broken side. The love kept going 'til the 24th of October.

And everything ended. Finally. I had to help my self.